Acknowledgements
xv
Preface
xvii
Dedication
xxi
Special
Dedication. xxiii
REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE
1.
Childhood.
4
2. Sexual
Categorical Defiance.
8
Sexuality.
8
Fantasy.
8
Progression.
9
Boundaries.
10
3.
The
Early Seventies.
14
Crossing the Threshold into Puberty.
14
Mother’s availability.
15
Camp.
17
Fear and Shame
Negative reinforcement
17
Acting Out
17
Drama.
19
Death.
22
Humiliation.
23
Excuses.
24
The Ponderosa.
26
ADDICTION
4.
Sexual
Categorical Defiance and Addiction.
32
Adolescence and my succeeding Puberty.
32
High School Humility.
34
Addiction and the Street Scene.
36
Father’s Ignorance.
37
Carrie and Ellen.
38
Transient Hotel Life.
39
43rd Street Dump, the Strand Hotel
The Landseer Hotel
39
5.
Fantasy-Sex…prerequisites
geared towards my Ph.D.
46
The Club Scenes…...
46
Broadway.
46
Virginity Lost @ the Hollywood.
48
Continental Baths.
49
The Gilded Grape/I’m Coming Out…...
50
6.
Sweet
Sixteen.
58
Working
Girl/Mary Magdalene and the challenge of functioning on the ‘Stroll’
58
Losing Many Virginities.
63
Losing my spirit/gaining my spirit
64
The Long Winter
68
Coney Island and Dr Wollman.
70
Jimmy Treetop…...
70
the Model Maker
the Pedophile
the trick
Uncle Jimmy
Developing.
75
7.
17
and Entering an Officially Authorized…...
80
The Embassy.
80
Home to Long Island.
82
Lynda, the ‘passing’ fancy.
83
Dr. Wesser the messer/Goodbye
to ‘tessie,’ the nose is messy.
84
Dr Schiffman.
86
8.
Legal
and Loose.
90
51 Street and Ninth.
90
The 51 Club.
91
The thief
92
Death of an aunt
93
Sex/Drugs And disco/Sex/Drugs And disco.
93
Suicide I
94
My brief college experience.
96
The 220 club.
97
The pink ladies.
99
Miss 220.
99
Self obsession.
101
The healing pill Q..
102
Fire Island; 42nd with a beach.
102
Jealousies.
103
The Club scene continues…...
104
G.G. Knickerbocker
G.G. Barnums
Missed Gay New York.
104
Hello Christopher
107
Miss 220 revival
108
9.
The
Club Scene continues…...
112
The GrapeVine AKA Casa Dario.
112
La Escuelita.
113
Crisco Disco.
113
Beauty and the beast
114
There’s a Dr. In his house.
114
Strange sense of self
115
The trip to Colorado.
120
10.
86’D
126
The loss of status.
126
Mainstream?.
126
Will my mind ever rest?.
129
Daddy dearest
130
Moving on up
11.
Fantasy-Sex
Prerequisites geared toward my Ph.D. and Addiction Progression
134
Return to 42nd
134
Up the disheartened hill
136
Dog day afternoon.
138
Mop man.
140
The power of sexuality.
140
The oppression surmounts.
141
Competitive Anonymous.
143
Why can’t I be beautiful?.
144
Cut here and pump her there.
145
Where’s my pills?.
146
9 1/2 weeks.
146
Antics.
148
My friends move on.
152
Gotta bag?.
152
My Sweet heroine.
152
Toni and me.
153
Detox…ing in Puerto Rico.
153
Detoxi…ng in the Bahamas.
155
My hate surfaces
I Wish I had class
12.
Another
Bottom..
160
Sony Dies.
160
Hello Frank.
161
Suicide III
163
The Blue Book {NA Text}.
164
My Brother’s stint with death…brain surgery.
165
HELPPPPPPPPPPP.
166
My Detox 4REAL.
168
On finding home.
169
THE JOURNEY OF RECOVERY
13.
Recovery.
184
Hello 12 Steps.
184
The long, wonderful summer
185
In the closet
187
My first world convention.
188
Friends.
190
Sharing the darkness.
191
14.
Fantasy-Sex
Prerequisites Geared Toward my Ph.D. And Addiction Progression Revisited
196
Reality ‘check’
196
Back to 42nd back with a vengeance.
196
STOP:MY
Theory On The a…ole end of show business.
197
15.
OUT
202
OUT/on coming home.
202
Pushing past humiliation.
202
Everyone knows.
202
The foundation is positioned.
203
FREAK..
204
What shall I be when I grow up.
204
Beauty school drop in/out
Welfare recipient
The queer rooms/I’m not like you/I’m like you.
205
16.
Love
Will Find Its Way.
210
Meeting Mr R..
210
The Bahamas.
212
Building a relationship.
214
The price of no boundaries.
214
ACADEMIC
RESCUE
17.
Recovery:
Formal and Professional Academia.
220
The horror of the mirror
220
The Dr.’s program..
221
Meeting the ‘powerful’ ones.
222
My first day of school
222
Working my way in.
223
18.
Addiction
and Recovery.
228
Sex addictions and intimacy.
228
Money makes the world go round revisited.
228
Love heals.
229
Hiding behind my physique.
230
No smoking please.
230
Bingo.
233
Show World/Show no more.
235
Scholarship/Scholarship/Scholarship.
237
19.
A
Social/Sexual Progression?.
240
A professional development
240
The making of a politician.
240
Fame and its addiction.
241
Ego
go go
Working for the good of the communities.
242
Graduation.
242
REAL
LIFE EXPERIENCE
20.
The
Emotional/Spiritual Collapse…Its Analysis and Recovery Re baptized
248
The Scariest Time.
248
The End is Near
261
Stop.
261
Own It
262
The Long Road to Freedom..
263
Sharing the Spotlight
263
It’s
not yours to Begin With
21.
California
Dreaming/ Back to Life/ Back to Reality.
268
THE
ESSENTIALS: POLITICAL AND SOCIAL REORGANIZATION
Appendix
I
Addiction/Recovery
and a Social/Sexual Progression?.
275
Is the world ready to digest the LG with the BT?.
275
The Downside to false fame.
286
The Professional Perspective.
287
Appendix
II
Strategies
for Social/Sexual Justice.
291
Speeches.
291
Paper:
The construction, deconstruction
and reconstruction of gender identity mergers and the power of language, a
delicate meta-narrative.
291
Appendix
III
Confessions.
334
Appendix
IV
Synopsis.
339
Particular Synopsis by Carrie Davis MSW...
339
Appendix V
Glossary
of Unfamiliar Terms.
341
In
Loving Memory.
345
Lynda Roberts
The
Saint Francis Prayer:
347
About
the Author.
349